What is People Pleasing? 

I don’t remember the first time I heard the term people pleasing, but I do remember paying attention. It sounds good doesn’t it? We like pleasing others, and isn’t that what we are supposed to be doing as Christian women?

Well –  it can get confusing, so let’s define what people pleasing is. 

Merriam Webster defines a people pleaser as a person who has an emotional need to please others, often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires.

The Cambridge Dictionary defines a people pleaser as someone who cares a lot about whether other people like them and always wants others to approve of their actions.

Do you see some of the concepts in these definitions? There are emotional needs surfacing that one is trying to meet, but often at an expense to their own well being. And, there’s a lot of approval-seeking! Ouch – this steps on my toes because this is something I’ve dealt with in my life.

People pleasing is a common human struggle that comes from trying to meet the natural longings we all have to be unconditionally loved, valued, and accepted, and there’s nothing wrong with that! 

However, when we have an emotional need to please, or when we are constantly overwhelmed with worry about what others think, we end up holding ourselves back in the long run.

4 Warning Signs of People Pleasing

Let’s take a look at some of the warning signs of people pleasing. These are warning signs I recognized in my own life. I have also heard them expressed in conversations with other ladies who struggle with people-pleasing.

By recognizing warning signs we can become more aware of what people pleasing is and when we are doing it. The awareness allows us to step away and make better choices.

Today I’m going to share the first 4 warning signs out of a list of 8. Not all of these warning signs apply to every person, but if you are struggling with people-pleasing, some of these may be familiar to you.

1. You have trouble saying “no.”

When we are people pleasing, We agree to do things that we really don’t want to do. When this happens to me personally, it always seems to boil down to my belief that if I say no: 

• Someone will be disappointed in me.
• Someone will be angry with me.
• I will hurt in some way (hurting feelings or ignoring needs).
• Someone will think something bad about me.

2. You dislike conflict!

You want to avoid conflicts – AT ALL COSTS. This looks different for different situations but it might look like this:

• Managing your environment or persons close to you in an attempt to create peace and harmony.
• Catering to another person so they won’t get upset.
• Not speaking up about your thoughts or feelings because you fear someone will be frustrated or angry.
• Agreeing with or going along with someone, even though you don’t really want to.

3. You are passive in personal interactions.

This can look like the following statements:

“I don’t know.”

“I don’t really care.”

“Whatever you think.”

“Whatever you want to do.”

“I’ll do whatever everybody else wants to do.”

Sometimes we really don’t care or have a certain opinion, but if we do – and we’re not letting it be known because we don’t want to go against the flow, or we don’t want to rock the boat, or we want to be liked and accepted – then that’s a big red flag for people pleasing.

4. You worry a lot about what others think about you.

This involves a lot of running things over in your mind after the fact. You can’t get away from worry about what you said, what you decided, the actions you took You even worry about what you didn’t do in certain situations.

• You worry that someone will misunderstand what you did or said.

• You worry that somebody will think something bad about you.

• After the fact, you think of what you should have said, then berate yourself for not knowing that in the moment.

These 4 warning signs of people pleasing are especially recognizable in women who are conflict avoidant. (That’s me for sure!)  But there is a way out of this pattern.

First let’s see what God’s word says about people pleasing.

What Does the Bible Say about People Pleasing?

Galatians 1:10 – Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ. (NIV)

Colossians 3:23 – Whatever you do, do it from the heart, as something done for the Lord and not for people. (CSB)

These verses help remind us that we don’t do things to win the approval of people. We also don’t act certain ways because we are avoiding the reactions of others. When we focus on doing things from the heart for the Lord, we can step out of people pleasing patterns. It takes prayer and action.

The KEY

Key actions steps that help put an end to people pleasing patterns start with healthy boundaries.  

Boundaries help us take ownership and responsibility for our own lives. Just like a piece of physical property has a boundary line, we need to set mental, physical, emotional, and spiritual boundaries for our lives to help us distinguish what is ours and what is not. Healthy boundaries help you speak up for yourself, take care of your needs. They define what is your responsibility and what is not. 

Are you looking for a change? 

If these warning signs are familiar to you, and you are looking for a change, you can be assured setting healthy boundaries is the pathway out of the inner frustration and worry that accompanies people pleasing. 

With a little boundaries work, you will find yourself able to make God-honoring decisions that will help you step away from people pleasing, define who you are, and relate to others in healthy ways.

Would you like to trade people-pleasing patterns for healthy boundaries so you can find God-honoring ways to serve others without feeling overwhelmed? I can help you with that!

Find out more at leslienewmancoaching.com. 

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