A Hard Thing
I did something hard the other day. It was a simple thing that only took a short message and the quick click of a button. I was leaving a group chat. How hard could that be, anyway? But hiding behind that simple click of the button was an ever-present question in my life.
“What will they think?”
Here’s how it went.
- I was added to a group of lovely ladies working together on a ministry project.
- The project offered help to people who are in desperate need.
- I have a lot of compassion for others, and I want to help people.
- But I knew right away this wasn’t the right setting for me.
I started thinking.
- It’s such a good cause. I should be a part of it.
- These people are in difficult circumstances. I ought to help in some way.
- I’m already volunteering somewhere else, but I should help here, too.
- It would be selfish of me not to offer a helping hand. I ought to reply.
- It’s the holiday season for goodness sake. I should fix food or go serve or send something.
With each notification from my phone, there they were, those nagging thoughts of mine.
Ding! I should….
Ding! I ought to…..
Ding! They need help…
Ding! It would be selfish of me not to….
Ding! It’s the least I can do…
Even though I knew this ministry didn’t match the places God called me to work, the nagging question kept repeating itself.
“If I say no, what will they think?”
Paying Attention
This exchange I was having with myself went on all day and into the night. But when I began to have trouble falling asleep, I stopped, and I began to pay attention to the underlying tension that had been with me all day. I knew I had not taken time to evaluate where it was coming from. So I listened to the voices running through my mind.
I thought back across the day, and then I remembered.
This is people pleasing, and I am doing it again.
People Pleasing
I recognize it so much easier now than I used to. It looks a little bit like this.
- All the things come my way.
- I can’t say no because good Christian girls don’t say that word.
- I work here, there, and everywhere to get all the things accomplished.
- I am tired and frustrated and begin to feel overwhelmed.
- But I don’t ever stop. I have to do all the things.
- Underneath, I start to feel resentful.
- (But I don’t pay attention to that because good Christian girls shouldn’t feel that way.)
- I just keep on going, rushing through my days, doing all the things.
I continue to pay no attention to important things – things about myself that might help me carry out God’s work.
-
- I don’t let myself feel my feelings.
- I take care of others but I don’t take care of myself.
- I get too busy to connect with God.
- I don’t take time to try to understand who I am.
- I haven’t discovered the unique qualities God created in me.
- But I keep on going.
- And I keep on doing.
- I just keep saying yes to all the things.
I tell lies to myself.
“I can keep up.”
“I should be able to do all this.”
“Just keep going, and it will all work out.”
“If I try harder…”
“If I give more…”
Then I cry to myself.
“What’s wrong with me?”
“Why can’t I keep up?”
“When will my life ever slow down?”
“Why am I so exhausted?”
This cycle kept me trapped for a very long time.
With every go-round, people pleasing became more deeply entrenched. It affected me. It affected my relationships. It made for some seriously unhealthy dynamics in my life.
Even now, I still get into my people pleasing ways of thinking. I sit here in this moment wondering, “What will you think about me if you figure out I said no to helping in a ministry that does so much help people in need? It’s a hard thing to overcome.
Asking a Different Question
I realize that there is a different question I can ask myself.
“What will God think?”
You see, God has created each of us in a certain way to do specific things for His kingdom. When our people pleasing tendencies make it difficult for us to say no, we can end up taking on all the things that come our way.
When we do this:
- We overcommit. This means we have less time, less energy, and less mental capacity for doing the particular work God created us to do.
- We rob someone else of their opportunity to serve Him – because we took on a job that God intended for them to be doing.
As I looked back on my life, I realized that I had let people pleasing turn me into someone that God didn’t intend for me to be, and I began to understand a thing I had been unable to see before.
If I was being a person God didn’t intend me to be, then I was living a life he didn’t intend for me to live.
And I don’t want that.
I want to be me. I want to please Him. And I want to do the things He created me to do.
We all do, don’t we? We want to live authentically. We want to be free to be completely be who God created us to be. And when we do this, we naturally do the things God created us to do.
This leads to living a life of purpose that’s ultimately it’s all for the sake of others, right? So when we do the things He’s created us to do, we serving the people He intends for us to serve.
Release the Need to Please
But first, we have to release the need to please. We have to quit wanting everyone’s else’s approval and focus instead on exchanging a need to please others for our desire to fully please God.
And you know what?
Doing that in my life doesn’t look a thing like what I expected. But it sure feels good to be free.
- It feels good to be able to recognize my people-pleasing.
- It feels good to stay on the paths God intended for me.
- It feels good to say no to all the things so that I can say yes to a few of the things – the things that I was created to do.
Leaving the group chat was hard for me, but it was another step out of overcommitment cause by my people pleasing behaviors.
And that, my friends, is a thing that fully pleases God.
Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.
Galatians 1:10 NIV
Please share in the comments below: What is your #1 challenge with saying “no?”
Would you like to trade people-pleasing patterns for healthy boundaries so you can find God-honoring ways to serve others without feeling overwhelmed? I can help you with that!
Find out more at leslienewmancoaching.com.
This post may be linked in the following places. Click through to find more hope and encouragement! Cheerleaders of Faith / Sitting Among Friends / Moments of Hope / Salt and Light / Heart Encouragement Thursday / Fresh Market Friday / Faith and Friends / Grace and Truth
I have been pushed into even more of a people pleaser because my Mom was so involved in everything before she died.
Now I have retired to take care of my dad which in itself is demanding. My son was an active alcoholic up to a year ago.
Everyone felt I should step into my mom’s activities/ clubs. Some of which I enjoyed but people started putting me into leadership positions. I couldn’t say no because it’s what my mom would do and they needed me to fill that spot. But I still have my dad to take care of. He is dependent on me and he is becoming more demanding. I feel like I’m coming apart.
I said no today after reading this. I feel so bad because they don’t have someone to take my place. I feel like crying.
Bettye, you are under a lot right now! I’m sorry it’s so difficult. I’m grateful to hear that you were able to say “no” after reading this. Feeling bad about the “no” is natural. Your “no” gives someone else the opportunity to fill that spot. I believe you are doing a very good thing. When we take care of ourselves and find a pace that’s manageable then we are better able to care for our loved ones. Thank you so much for commenting. I’m thinking of you tonight!
I can so relate to this post—especially this line: “This is people pleasing, and I am doing it again.” I feel like this has been a kind of twisted mantra for me lately. So many things in my life come back to my tendencies to people-please. Loved your next question, though…What would God think?
Thanks for being here, Ashley. I’m glad I’m not alone in this! It is hard to get away from people-pleasing tendencies. I’m so grateful God brings me to better questions I can ask to help myself step away from it!
This is a great post Leslie. These are helpful insights to overcoming the need to people-please. I think the one that stuck out to me was the initial awareness. I want to be aware of the patterns or habits I can let go of to live more in line with who God wants me to be. Thank you for this thought-provoking and helpful post.
Thanks, Marielle. It really does make a difference to start seeing the patterns. It took me a long time! Thanks for being here today!
“What will God think” is such a great question. To answer your question, I have no problems saying No and I’ve gotten so good at it that I no longer provide an explanation. No is my complete answer. It took practice. You will get to this place too. I’m rooting for you.
It does take practice. I get better at it the further along I go. : ) Thanks for visiting today, Yvonne!
Leslie, thank you for this post! I struggle with people pleasing as well, though in recent years have started re-framing as you mention, “what would God think?” or if this is what He wants me to do right now. It’s actually more freeing and I find more contentment in the projects I do get involved with!
Oh boy, the reframing is freeing for sure! After I take time to figure out what God really wants me to be doing, saying no is just part of His plan. The “no” gives me room for the right “yes.” I love having more freedom to operate that way. (But I’ll admit, it’s still a struggle at times!) Thanks, Donna, for dropping by!
This is a timely post. I just finished reading Timothy Keller’s book “The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness” and it’s on this topic. Trying to release my tight hold on what others think of me and elevate my concern for what God thinks.
I’ll have to check out that book, Tiffany! I’m glad this was good timing for you. Writing it was good timing for me, too. Blessings!
Oh my! I too want to please, not hurt anyone’s feelings, do my best but along the lines of what others want. Oh, saying “no” is hard yet as I have been aging, I find that the task is a bit easier. I cannot do all I once could. I am learning my limits and learning how to answer in a way pleasing unto the Lord. One step at a time. Thank you for a post reminding me of what I need or need not do.
One step at a time is right! Thanks for being here today, Linda!
My biggest challenge with saying no is that I don’t want to let anyone down. I feel like if I don’t personally attach myself to what the request is, then I have destroyed the friendship or relationship with that person. Honestly, if a relationship is destroyed by one “no” then it wasn’t much of a relationship. The part where you asked, “What will God think” is exactly the question I need to do better about asking myself so that I can stop overcommitting. Great blog post!
Thanks, Chelsea. It is hard isn’t it? That sense of not wanting to let anyone down is a big one! I have struggled with that one a lot, too. I like what you shared about personally attaching ourselves to the request. It’s so true that sometimes we define ourselves by the requests, and our worth and value can become attached to the things we do. It’s a life-long thing to look to Jesus for our worth and value. Reminds me of Hebrews 12:1-2 which reminds us to keep our eyes on Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith. Thanks for your insights and thoughts! Great reminders for me today!
Oh, I struggle with people-pleasing. It is one of the last posts I have yet to write for my letting go series. My number #1 challenge with saying “no” is when it is a good cause. I feel like I “should” say yes, and no to something like self-care. I want God to be happy with me, but He already is. However, I have come a long way. Once. I hear myself uttering the word should I know I’m walking on thin ice. Great post! Maree
Thanks Maree, and I’m glad I’m not alone! I think that challenge is probably my #1, too. It’s really hard to say no to a good cause. I really like how you pay attention to yourself when you start saying “should.” That’s a great clue that we might be people pleasing and an easy one to look for, too! Thanks for reading and commenting!